Today's Date 11/7/09 9:51pm

The last time I wrote on this site was exactly one year ago today, and my parting words were that my brother's wedding would go smoothly...Well that was a waste of good words.  Long story short I have not spoken to my brother since my entire famliy was told by the most classless person I have ever met, "to get the Hell out" and no I'm not paraphrasing or adding for dramatic effect, someone actually told the grooms family to get the hell out of a wedding reception.  What did we do to deserve that you might ask...well my 17 year old brother brought his honor student 16year old girlfriend to the wedding.  I swear on my own soul that that is the reason we were thrown out.  The reason I mentioned that she was an honor student is because I don't want anyone to think less of her, she is a very sweet girl and did nothing wrong yet for some reason my other brother's wife threw her out of the reception even though there were 5 empty seats.  It was classless, rude, tacky... I'm sure I could find more words in the thesuarus but they would not change the fact that I haven't spoken to my brother since his wedding day.  I'm sorry for the out come of that day, and I hope my brother knows that we really do love him and miss him and not a day goes by that we don't think of him and wish things were different.  Brief Note: for those that think we should grow up and overcome this stupid issue, You're right and we (my mom, dad, grandmother, sister, etc.) have tried everytime I see my brother I wave and honk my horn, he pretends that he does not see me or know who I am But I drive an orange car (trust me it leaves an impression).

This week my sister is getting married on November 14...we joke with her fiance about getting kicked out of the wedding but John (her fiance) was there that day and he knows how that killed my mother she was always very close to my brother.  And as the day draws near the jokes have lessoned.  Tomorrow is the official one year anniversary of my brothers wedding I truely hope they are happy, but I do miss him. 

I've been working on my toast for my sister's wedding (I'm the maid of honor) and I have never been more nervous in my entire life.  I have no trouble talking, but this is a mini speech in front of 200+ people who will not yet be intoxicated.  I know I'll be fine but I still feel a little sick to my stomach at the thought.

Work has been a little stressful, People keep telling me how good I am and that makes me feel really good however the promotion is taking it's sweet ole time mean while I have a boss who looks and when she doesn't get her way acts like a 12 year old (not an exageration).  Some times I have to hold her hand but sometimes she does quite well on her own.  Mainly she misses the big picture our job is not just two fold, more like twenty fold there are two main parts that are then broken down into much littler parts.  I love what I do but some days it can be a handful;  I'm just stressed I needed this vacation that I'm on right now.  9 days off work is the longest I have ever been off work in my entire life and I've been working since I was 15...I'm 25 in case you're wondering.

The rest of my year since my brother's wedding has consisted of two things Deaths and Weddings.  Two of my cousins died this year one in February and one in March on each side of the family.  The first death in February I'm sad only because he was young and his family loved him.  He was 28 but he died of a herion overdose.  I have no sympathy for drug users (think what you will of this) I have never no will ever touch drugs I believe it is a personal choice, and although it is sad that he died considering his life style I'm not suprised.  I went to his funeral to support his family my aunt, uncle, and cousins.  I would never be so crued as to point out to them what I just wrote to you.  They have suffered enough at the loss of a son and brother, but I don't morn the loss I hardly knew him I hadn't seen him in some 5 years at my grandmother's funeral and even then we did not talk.  I do not think that I am better than he or anyone else who chooses his  life style, that is simply their decision, I wish him peace and hope that he is happier now than he was here.  The second death was in March two weeks after the first, this one I was unbelievably sad about.  She was 34 and had a rare nurological muscular disorder.  She was diagnosed at 12 and was told then she would not live to see 20.  I don't believe that she is a mrytar, but I do believe that we can learn a lot from her she never gave up she worked up till 3 months before she died she only left her job because she was laid off after 16yrs.  She never sat at home on tax payers dollars, she worked for everything.  We were very close she was like a sister to me I know she doesn't suffer now but it's still hard.  After my cousin died my family threw themselves into my sister's wedding anything we could do to keep the pain out.  My cousin lived with my grandmother up till 3 months before she died so it is especially hard on her.  I will always think about Tonya with a smile.

Also this year I dated someone new...He was a Jerk, and the sad or rather pathetic part is that I knew long before I ever gave him my number.  I guess lonely people do stupid things.  He totally used me for money, little hint I'm not rich not even close I work very hard for my money and am trying to repay college debt.  he is a jerk for taking advantage and I am an idiot for not stopping him, I'm smart and I knew better, at least I can say that I dumped him.  Totally starting to believe that there are no good guys out there for me, I know there are good guys out there just not one for me.  The hard part is getting used to the idea.

On a happier note...more or less I do get to work with some very good looking guys, unfortunatly they have girlfriends so that means back off but I can still dream.

                                  ok well I've been on here for a while and well I'm tired I haven't typed this long since my last term paper in college so good night, this is rather soothing so I'll probably write more soon  

Did you know I that I dream

Did you know that I cry

Did you know that I want to lay down and die

I see you with her and it breaks my heart

I never thought I'd fall apart

I want to give in and let tears flow

but I just dont think I can let you go

Did you know I that I hope

Did you know that Ithat I pray

Did you know that I want to be your girl

I live for the day that you'll be mine

Though I feel that day will never come

I hope and I pray that destiny will swing my way

and give me my happily ever after

its really been awhile since ive written on here well this is the first time I've had the time and something to talk about so my baby (not a real baby- my car) was hit by some kid who can't drive and I'm devistated!!! this was my first car (well that i owned) plus I was 4 months ahead on my car payments and i did nothing wrong yet I still got hit and a little injured nothing big just really sore the doctor gave me some muscle relaxant but i haven't filled teh prescription yet. anyway before that I had a good break from work and visited a few friends up north it didn't end as well as it started but thats not a huge deal I'm quite used to feeling stupid. I'd go into detail but I dont really want to sooo moving on anyway the drive back sucked the weather was terrible I could hardly see 5 feet in front of me but i made it home safe (accident happened 2 days later)

I have so much to say but not the energy to write it besides I have to go study for the police test adious

-I'M OUT

Today I feel like an old T-shirt, its the favorite T that you wear all the time and has been washed so much its worn out...thats what I feel like i've worked six days this week which really isn't that much but when 5 of those days are 12 hour days plus im averaging 4 hours of sleep..Im exhausted just in general worn out, and to top it off the BS at work is piling itself very high.  I dont understand how the reliable employees keep getting the shaft while the morons rise to the top? That just doesnt make any damn sense!.....its just frustrating ....         I'M OUT

I watch the clock as hours tick by

I wait and try to catch your eye

I work so hard

to make you see

The one for you is me

I live for your heart

and dream of all that we could be

the clock keeps going

and yet you still dont notice

I try so hard for just a glance

I know I'm for you and you're for me

I just don't know why that's so hard to see

I will wait until you open your eyes

and see all that I am

HAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHA

   to all of you poor fools still in school....I'll be offically done with school....high school, college the whole nine yards!!!! one more week (finals week) and I'm done

      joy to the world the end of school has come...let earth receive me!!!

   ok so the lyrics suck but deal with it because I'M DONE!!!!!

...oh yeah and I have a job, I'm offically a grown up oooh look at me go! 

Ok so I have a slite problem...

    See I made a deal with myself no guys until after I graduate (in 15 days).  But there is this guy, well actually two.  We'll call these guys X and Y.  Ok my friend lets call her Z likes X and wants me to find out if he has a GF, and i have no problem talking to guys so i volunteered then i realized she liked X who I already liked and so Im freaking a little b/c I would always choose a friend over a guy.  (Ive done it before actually)  anyway the other problem is with guy number 2 otherwise known as Y he is cute and smart, there is just one problem He is younger than me.  normally that would not bother me but I'm graduating very soon and moving away from this City and I dont want a long distance relationship.  Especially now that Im out of school for good (or at least until I go back to get my masters).......URG I dont know what to do maybe just be friends?  The modst interesting part is that i have more than one class with both of these guys, so if something went wrong I'd be screwed for the rest of the quarter.                      I'M OUT!